Friday, May 30, 2008

My Dark Spot

For the last few weeks (maybe months), I've dug myself into a hole that I can't seem to get out of. The other night, I finally let it out to Mike. And then I went to see my doctor, who reassured me that the sadness I have been feeling is normal - probably a combination of post-partum depression as well as anxiety over the daily stressors of my life. And with that, I'm not saying that my life is miserable and dark. That's the not the case at all; I have a wonderful life. And I know there are millions of people out there that have it harder than I do. I'm not degrading any of those people.

But for me, a naturally happy-go-lucky person, this is tough. And it's nothing big that is bothering me. It's just little things here and there. Lack of time to do things around the house. Lack of sleep. Worry over my family (both biological and in-law). Mike being going for a month on a work assignment. Petty family conversations. Etc, etc. And no, this is not a post aimed at any of my family members who read this to call me or approach me and ask me what's wrong or start whispering to others trying to figure out what's going on with me. So please, don't make assumptions after reading this post. This isn't supposed to cause gossip within my family and friends and I expect nothing but respect as I tackle this.

It's been a year full of changes, changes I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, but still, pair those changes with a woman still raging with pregnancy hormones, and it's not a pretty mix.

I'm not surprised this is happening. In fact, the first few weeks after having Patrick were pretty difficult. Mike and I kept it to ourselves, because it seemed ridiculous that I could be sad after giving birth to a healthy baby. Plus, with my parents helping, it made things much easier (although that may have been a stressor as well). And I didn't want to say anything then, because I figured I would snap out of it. And I did. But now it's back. I've spoken to my mom about this, and she's been very supportive. All my fears of biases melted away as soon as I told her. And she was very clear about something: life is about Patrick, Mike and I. And that should be my focus. Everything else could wait. And to hear that from her means everything to me. And so I am thankful that I have a mother who puts aside the feelings her culture says she should have and sees only her flesh and blood: her daughter.

I could trace sadness back to many events in my life: a hurricane that destroyed my house as I was standing in it, the onset of a disease in my teen years, the death of my sister, and a forever shaky relationship with my father (whom I love very very much but sometimes the immense love we feel for one another causes 'misunderstandings'). And I have stood strong through all of these things, growing up sooner that I should have, learning to understand things meant for adults. So no, it's no surprise that all of a sudden, things seem to be falling on top of me.

I've sought help. I'm going to be fine. I have a fantastic husband who loves and supports me and I have a beautiful son who needs me healthy, happy and whole. I have faith that I will be back to normal in no time at all.

Please, if there are any folks out there who read my blog and feel the way I do, tell someone. It will probably make you feel better.

*I may take this post down in a few hours or a few days. I may never take it down. I just needed to get this out, needed to write it down. Many thanks for reading.*


Courtney HS said...

Anna, your words (as usual) are inspiring and empowering.
I have struggled (and will struggle) with depression - something a friend of mine calls "Morose Irish Poet" phases - and telling someone is always a huge relief. You are right in that it isn't a reflection on any family members or friends, nor is it a lack of appreciation for the wonderful things/people in your truly is an internal commentary, usually pointing to some imbalance. By way of some corny tricks of the trade (but I know you'll relate for a variety of reasons including the hurricane memories): go listen to Gloria's "Coming Out of the Dark". You'll cry, and then you'll feel stronger. Love, me.

acb said...

You are very strong for posting this, my friend. Listen, whatever I can help with, I am here - especially if it's just someone for you to call to hear you cry on the other line ... sometimes those are the most refreshing phone calls for your soul.

I love you. Always, ok?

Anonymous said...

You are a very solid person who can handle all that life throws at you - sometime you just miss the ball, fall down and don't have the energy or desire to get up for awhile! You're entitled!!!
I've been there and I am only a phone call away if there is anything I can help with!

Freckle Face Girl said...

Life is tough and we all get depressed at times. Knowing when it is time to speak out and ask for help is the key to overcoming it. You're on your way...